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Tag Archive: Santa Claus

Dec 25

The Christmas grandma forgot to cook. First printed in December of 2006 in The Examiner, an eastern Jackson County daily newspaper.

With apologies to author Clement Clark Moore who was thought to have penned  ’The Night Before Christmas’ in 1823. Here’s my take on this delightful Christmas classic poem…

twas-the-night-before-christmas-little-golden-book-cover

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when all through the house, the grandkids were running and chasing a mouse.

The stockings, hung by the chimney with care, were falling into the fire before I could get there.

Only one of the grandkids was nestled snug in her bed, while her brother and cousins danced and jumped on their heads.

Papa in his slippers, and I in my wrap, longed to settle down for a cozy afternoon nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, more grandkids arrived to add to the chatter.

Away to the coffee table I flew like a flash, put away vases, pictures and books before they were trashed.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, meant more kith and kin would come soon with toddlers in tow.

When what to my aging eyes should appear, but a van load of college students with eight cans of beer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be Uncle Rick.

More rapid than eagles, the relatives came, as I whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now, Auntie! Now, Uncle! Now, Nephew and Niece! On, Grandpa! On Grandson! On Brother and Sis!”

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, Papa whispered, “Dash away! Dash away! Dash away all.”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, the hungry settled round the table ready to eat ‘til they die.

So up to the kitchen, I flew like a flash, threw open the empty cupboards and searched for some cash.

With a purse full of bills and no time to blink, I drove straight to the deli but was soon back at the sink.

There was no food to be had in our little berg; the shops were all closed, the keepers gone home. There was nothing to feed this hungry, wild herd.

And then in a twinkling, I heard in the drive, the screeching and stopping of each giant tire.

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney the Schwan’s man came with a bound.

A bundle of boxes he had flung on his back, and he looked like a St. Nicholas just opening his pack.

My eyes how they twinkled! My heart how merry! He had entrees, desserts, and even frozen cherries.

He had hams and turkeys, gravy and pie. Casseroles, pizzas, chicken, oh my!

A wink of his eye and a check of his supply, soon gave me to know there was plenty to buy.

There were scalloped potatoes, California blend veggies, green beans and corn, frozen fruits galore, peppermint ice cream and chocolate cake rolls.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work and filled our fridge, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, into his yellow truck he rose.

I sprang to the task; serving up the stash, and to my guests gave a whistle.
They flew to the table like down on a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

“Next year lady, buy your food ahead a fortnight (and don’t forget to cook)!”

Dec 11

Are you sure you ain’t Santa? (Christmas, Clark Griswold style—Last in a series)

Clark Griswold: “Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on its way in from New York City.” (The kids sit up excitedly.)

Cousin Eddie (after a pause): “You serious, Clark?
—National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, 1989.

 

Yes, Eddie.  Clark is indeed serious about something as important as Santa Claus.

In this Full Circle series about the movie Christmas Vacation, we are exploring favorite funny quotes as we follow Clark Griswold’s frantic attempts to create the perfect family Christmas.

Even though the Griswold home is beset by countless calamities, Clark never gives up on Santa.

One of my favorite scenes is when little Ruby Sue (cousin Eddie’s daughter who had a very bleak Christmas last year) catches Clark looking out the window and daydreaming. She thinks he might be Santa because he has been so good to them.

Ruby Sue asks, “Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain’t Santa Claus?”

Clark replies, “No, I ‘m not Santa Claus. Wish I was.”

Clark is about to have a bleak Christmas himself since he spent all his cash including his expected Christmas bonus on a new swimming pool. Worried his big bonus might not come at all, Clark laments, “I’m sure I am not Santa.  I can’t even afford to be an elf.”

In the dialogue that ensues, Clark Griswold promises Ruby Sue that Santa will come despite all their worries.

“I happen to know for a fact that Santa Claus is real,” he says.

He swears,  “In the next couple of days I’m gonna prove it to you. You know every year he comes to our house! I’ve seen him!”

Who could be more passionate about Santa and the season than Clark?

Most of us are more like Cousin Eddie, I fear.

When the holidays become a mess as they are want to do, when visiting families decide they have had just about enough fun for one year and try to leave early, and when we feel like giving up on Santa’s magic, perhaps we could follow Clark’s lead instead and press on waiting hopefully for Santa.

Clark: “Nobody’s leaving… Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas…we’re all in this together…we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Cosby tap-danced with Danny Kaye. And when Santa squeezes…down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch… this side of the nuthouse.”

“Hallelujah! Where’s the Tylenol?”

Clark, are you sure you ain’t Santa?